Loved and Lost
by HerNamewasAlice
Summary: Following the aftermath of the Last Jedi, Rey is still connected to Kylo


Following the aftermaths of the Last Jedi, Rey is still connected to Kylo and she can't severe her bonds with him. Oneshot.

* * *

 _'Tis better to have loved and lost_

 _Than to have never loved at all_

 _\- Alfred Lord Tennyson_

* * *

He's still there.

Kylo.

Ben.

He's still there, lingering upon her like a spider wrapping a web around its prey.

And she can't push him out.

She can't push him out, because when he links with her it's faint. A brush. A stroke. The gentlest of touches. It's not enough for her body and mind to go in defensive mode and shut him out. He doesn't speak to her when he does so, for he knows what he had done was wrong and that he had severed her trust and hope in him.

When he touches her it's only for a few seconds. Quick.

It's not long enough for her body to respond because once she registers what was happening, he's gone.

He touches her hands, runs his fingers ever so gently. When she's running, he tucks her hair back. And when she's asleep, he touches her cheek.

He's getting more calculative now, whenever he enters her mind she can no longer see his location. Not anymore. Not like what they used to do. She's not upset because she never gave him her exact location to begin with. But to some extent, she is. Because the man she thought she knew did. She was able to see his locations and she thought...she thought he did so because he wanted her to find him and save him.

But now, he shuts her out and only lets her see only him.

It infuriates her that he does this, it makes their bond and time together more intense and intimate. Maybe...maybe this was how he felt when she kept her location hidden. She found herself still being curious despite what had happened a month ago. She found herself wanting. Wanting him, Ben.

But he's not there. It's just Kylo, wearing Ben's skin and using Ben's heart as sustenance.

Rey doesn't want to but she still wants him. He's so lonely. So lost. He has nothing now. What was it like? To push the people away that loved you? What was it like? To live with the pain of killing everyone that you loved?

He still holds on to her. Desperately.

He doesn't speak to her when they bond but she can still hear the last word that he spoke to her: _Please._

Rey stopped walking and froze in place. Maybe, she wasn't remembering his last word, maybe he was saying it every time.

 _Please._

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, she feels pleasure building within herself. At first it frightened her for she didn't know why her body was getting wet on its own until she realized on the third time that it happened that he was touching her.

Not physically but it was close.

There's so much of the Force she doesn't understand - like how he was able to feel the rain that she experiencing or how he was able to feel pain when she thought he was in the same room as her and shot the wall of her hut.

"How are you doing this?" she asks, lying completely still in her cot.

She feels the pleasure building, feels herself becoming really, really wet.

"What...what are you doing?" she manages to say as felt his fingers sink into her warmth. She can hear him breathing. Rey couldn't help but to be stunned. He- he - he's never done this before to her. It's intrusive - it's very private. "Are you...are you...touching me?" blood rushed to her cheeks. She knows what's happening but she wanted some confirmation.

No response.

She just hears the word; _Please._

She was becoming hot down there. The pressure was becoming unbearable. Her legs were twitching and her lips were squirming to stay silent. She wanted to touch herself too, to move along his fingers.

"Or are you touching yourself and projecting it?"

Nothing.

She just hears his last word to her echo out, _Please._

The word latches on to her the way the planets follow the sun. Because that moment after they defeated Snoke's guards, he begged for her to join him. He showed her his weakness. He never says please, she knew. She knew from their first encounter: _You know I can take whatever I want._

For him to beg for her, to show her weakness and vulnerability - she never felt so close to him before.

Even when they touched hands for the first time - it felt like nothing compared to when he begged for her to fight by his side. Because he knew he couldn't have her if he took her away. He knew that he could only have her if she wanted him.

Rey went pale as he presented himself to her. Dark eyes, dark painful eyes looking at her painfully.

He keeps touching her through the fabric of her clothes. She should tell him to stop but she doesn't. She's left in a trance. It feels real, as if he's really here. But she couldn't even say that. They never physically touched so she couldn't compare. He's fully dressed, his hair tamed, staring at her with those lost eyes. He looks so much of a boy.

"Ben -

And just like that he's gone.

* * *

Kylo if he wanted, he could have raped her. He could have overpowered her and have his way.

But he doesn't because Ben wanted her to love him.

Both sides to the imbalanced boy craved for her affection. The dark side wanted to take her by force and have her be submissive but the light side wanted her to love him willingly.

He loves her - _they_ love her.

He was able to kill his father without hesitation but with her, he defied his master. She should feel pleased but Rey doesn't. He killed his own father but with her - he didn't. He sees her as irreplaceable, more importance to family. And that's something she can't overlook. Family is important to her. Even though she never had a family that give a damn about her, he did. But - he chose her against his master. And that's something she's haunted by. He loves her, can't live without her.

That's why his heart is darker now.

"I never rejected you!" she says as she felt his presence. "I rejected Kylo. Not you."

"Ben's dead," and that's the first thing he says in the past month.

She winced as if he had slapped her. "What do you want from me?" she sneered.

"My proposition is still open."

"My faith in you isn't," she bit every word out. Anger was seeping from her, it felt like the last time she openly bonded with him - when she slammed the door on his face. Slammed the door and shut any chance of letting him in again.

He shook his head as his eyes lowered and locked onto her mouth. Onto her lips. He stared at them - she tried to look away but she can't. She hates him but whenever he looks at her like that. He stares at her like he always does, in fascination of every soft curve of her body. His gaze draws him to her for when he stares at her, he's soothed. He's calm. He's the first person that ever wanted her, not as family or a friend. More. "You may have shut the door but it's still open through the small cracks of the hinges. Once you let something in, it's always going to be there. No cleanse or healing can ever completely erase it. Nothing is ever gone, Rey."

"And neither is Ben."

* * *

There was something inside of them that was growing. With each passing day that they're apart, he feels her presence more and more than the day before. It's to the point as if he was following her at all times, watching her every single move. He always links with her the second he senses a discrepancy in her heart and breathing rate.

There have been many discrepancies happening lately.

And Kylo knows why. He's at the point where he knows the reason before he sees what's she's looking at.

Her heart beat becomes very erratic when she's around Poe Dameron. It's a different beat, it's not in the same beat in when she's in danger. It's not in the same beat when she's hurt or torn. It's not in the same beat when she wants him and adores him. It's not in the same beat when she despises him - it's in a different rhythm - something Kylo can't quite categorize under.

He feels fondness when Rey looks at Poe Dameron - nervousness, admiration, embarrassment - every feeling of a young girl of her age.

He touches her hand in response, to remind her - to keep her in her place.

When she pushes him away, he goes but the more time she's around Dameron, the less Kylo does.

* * *

Whenever Rey spends time with Poe, it's innocent. They're in the process of getting to know each other. It's funny because they have the same friends and live by the same cause and been in the same rooms but it wasn't until recently that they introduced themselves to one another. It was one of those things, where you know of someone but don't know them.

Rey's happy to get to know him because he's not only a great part of her friends' lives but he's also her childhood hero. She grew up to him, grew up listening to the heroic deeds of a young Poe Dameron.

He's an interesting man. He's ride or die and all or nothing at the same time. He would die for the Resistance and he's also not afraid to lose people along the way. Rey stands with the Resistance but she doesn't agree with the suicide missions. She doesn't believe in how he sends his crew out a fight to the death. It's the reason why he loves and cherishes his precious droid. BB-8 can be fixed up. BB-8 can be brought back. It's strange but sweet how much Poe worries about the state of his beloved droid.

Poe is a great man. He's really easy to talk to but there were striking resemblances he had with Kylo. They both share the need to do whatever it takes, even if it means losing people along the way. They do whatever means necessary even if it means defying their leaders.

He's not perfect. But no one is. He's flawed, terribly flawed. He doesn't think things thoroughly. He tries to be a leader but he doesn't know anything about putting his crew's safety and well being first from time to time. He's a bit of drinker too and is very causal with women. He flirts around but never settles down with anyone.

But his heart is in the right place and he's really kind to her.

Maybe it's because she's Finn's friend and Finn talks about her a lot to him. Maybe it's because she's younger than him that he treats her with care and precaution. Or maybe it's because it's the way she loves BB-8 the way he does and she loves flying the way he does.

Like Rey said, he's really easy to talk to. He's the first person that she confided about her bond with Kylo in detail. In immense detail.

Well, almost.

She doesn't tell him the way Kylo hovers them whenever Kylo senses a discrepancy. She doesn't tell Poe when she feels Kylo touching her fingers. She doesn't tell Poe how when he kisses her, it reminds her of Ben.

Or how it would be, if Ben had kissed her.

The way Kylo looms over her is becoming more and more real.

* * *

She's the one to initiate the conversation tonight. She brings herself to an abandoned inn, planets away from the base. The place was ambiguous, she chose this place purposely for that reason because this time, tonight she allows Kylo to see her location. To see more than just her - to see her in her surroundings and how she was truly.

"You always look so small in your surroundings," he commented, taking in the background that cloaked her.

"So do you," she said exhaling, attempting to get her body to relax. Her heart was beating slowly, watching as he scanned for any indicators of her location.

"Do you hate me?" he asked in a low tone. He doesn't face her. He doesn't need to. Whatever he does right now won't make anything easier. Or better.

"Yes," she said firmly.

He turned and frowned. "Do you still have faith in me?"

"I don't want to but I do." She's been going in circles. No matter how many times she felt sure she felt nothing she always found bits of the remains. "Do you want to kill me?"

"Yes."

"Nothing we do makes any sense."

"No."

Rey was about to speak until she felt something, tears - and the feeling of distress to keep them from trickling. Her eyes weren't watering before - oh. She went to wipe his tears that were coming from her eyes.

"You still haven't asked me, how I feel about you," he says without any emotion.

"About me?"

"You're forgiving. You're loyal. You put your trust in everyone. There's no one else like you."

"There are many of me in the Resistance," she countered. It's true though. There was nothing special about her. She's untrained. Lost. Afraid.

"I need you."

Blood rushed to her cheeks.

"I need someone who'll stay with me, by my side."

"You had your chance," she says, shaking her head. She hoped that when he killed Snoke, Ben would have been freed but he's not. Instead, he's more lost than ever - to a point that she can't even find him.

He's lonely. He's self destructive. She knows this now. He will kill her if she got in his way. He will kill her if she went against his principles. But he loves her. He trusts her - wants her to be the one to confide to. He needs someone because everyone he ever loved is either dead or gone. What is it like? To always be on edge? To never trust anyone? Not even your followers? To always feel alone?

"Please," he whispers.

That word is like a light saber cutting her in half.

"There's nothing you can do," she said firmly, standing her ground. She's not going to let herself lose her way. "There's nothing you can do to redeem yourself."

* * *

Before they go on separate ways and killing each other, just one night.

"Will you kill me?" she asks.

"Eventually but not tonight."

"You think so highly of your abilities."

"I did but you were my downfall - I won't," he cuts himself off and presents himself in a kinder manner. He wants to see her.

Want. Want. Want.

They want but they can never have. They want what they can't have.

"I don't trust you -

"No, please," he raised his voice out of panic. "Please, I want to feel your skin against mine at least once."

Rey nodded and showed him the path of her location.

* * *

It feels like a dream. It's hard to process that he's here. In the flesh. She watches in silence as he takes off his gloves as he approached her.

When he touches her, it's in the most intimate way. He goes to her to touch her hair, to tuck a few locks behind her ear before tracing his bare fingers along the temple of her cheek. It feels like energy touching her. His fingers are calloused but he had the gentlest touch with her. She can feel his breath on her skin, it felt like a kiss being pressed against her.

When he touches her, it's not sexual.

There is sexual tension when he places her on the cot and holds her but it's not sexual. It's not sexual even though their bodies were pressed against one another. They were full clothed. Pubic bone to pubic bone.

She can barely breathe when he grazes her fingers and when he interlocks them with his, is when her heart skips a beat. They squeeze tightly to a point their knuckles were white but she doesn't notice because they're focused on only each other.

It's frightening because being with him physically made the intimacy of force touches feel like nothing.

This. This was real. This was natural - what the Force intended bonding to be. Complex. Connected. Balanced. She can feel his warmth, his breath on her, reality. She's trembling, overwhelmed by the endorphins and chemicals being released from their embrace.

She feels no comfort. She feels remorse because this moment is fleeting. But she can't deny the feeling of satisfaction of feeling him in the flesh. To feel him as whole. Their connection help sedate their yearning but it did not fully replicate the natural state. The most it can do was give stimulations but not the real thing.

And he knows it too for he asks, "Can I kiss you?"

She shook her head. She doesn't want anything else to happen beyond the mere touches of the face and hands.

"Why not?"

She hid her face into his chest. His chest is warm. And for once she can feel how sturdy he is - how perfectly she fits with him. He pulls her up.

"Rey."

"I rather spend the rest of my life wondering and imagining than to know how it truly feels."

"Why?"

"Because I already know there's not going to be anyone that will feel like you. That can't elicit the same emotions I'm feeling -

He kisses her then.

She pulls away, startled. "Ben - why -

There's no trace of emotion. No smirk. No wickedness. Just emptiness for this moment was going to be gone before they knew it. "Have you heard of the saying, 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never at all?'"

She nodded. "Yes of course but -

"Nothing's ever lost, Rey. We'll find each other again. Somewhere. Somehow. Maybe another time. Another galaxy. Another life." Kylo angles himself to her mouth and deepens the kiss as he clutched on to her hand. "Until then, the path we're on now, I want you to have something to remember me by."

* * *

 _She broke your throne, and she cut your hair_  
 _And from your lips she drew the hallelujah_

 _Hallelujah_  
 _Hallelujah_

 _Hallelujah_

 _\- Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen_


End file.
